Another way of putting it is “couples therapy is not Wimbledon” The couples therapist is not there to go, “what do you think you should do?” Couples therapy is more like if you were at Warriors game. The relationship coach is not sitting on the bench. The coach is running on the sidelines where the action is. He is in there, is a part of it, letting the players do their thing but is on the sideline saying “do it this way”, “it’ll be better if you do it that way.”
So you need a couples therapist who is functioning as a coach and is teaching you how to do certain things. How to use techniques that most people don’t actually know and that you certainly were never taught in school. It’s not a passive therapist who sits and watches you either have the fight that you’ve always had. Or if you have roommates syndrome watches you just not connect with each other. You don’t need more of that.